38 replies to this topic

[Lord Devrexster]

I'm a communist!!!! What are you?

I hate communists . The area I live in , communists have been winning elections for 31 yrs now

BTW , I am a "******* jerk" acc to u !! Here's one more about astrology

ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?




TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned


out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.




GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.




CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.




LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.




VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.




LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?




SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.



SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?




CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.




AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--




PISCES: What light bulb?

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running
his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you
doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in
good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

I wanna be a ups-man !!

BTW , here's one more

Height of irritation: Hanging from a cliff with an ant on your balls
Height of poverty : Woman stitching husband's torn condoms

Edited by Lord Devrexster, 17 May 2008 - 08:48 PM.

[vD3stroyiR(666)]

LEO----You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother******.

This is some lying S**T! I don't bully! I rarely steal! I tolerate criticism!!! I am not a leader!! But people do think I am an idiot!

I do like Devrexster's post about Leos! I do all I can to get someone else to do something for me!

Sister: Can you turn the light on for me? I'm very busy.

Me chilling watching TV: Turn it on! (in a calm tone...)

Sister: Lazy F**K!

Me chilling watching TV: (in that order)

If Men Were To Rewrite The Rules

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule # 11
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule # 12
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Giving Up Drugs

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I`d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I`ll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That`s wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this(small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That`s admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That`s amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, `This is your ***hole before prison..."

Edited by vD3stroyiR(666), 18 May 2008 - 08:33 PM.

[Airflow]

LOL Destroyer that's hilarious!!!

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

[vD3stroyiR(666)]

Hmmm... "Destroyer"... That's new!

None the less very funny TaeX!

The Work Virus

There's a new virus going around. The code name for it is "WORK". If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks, and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

Edited by vD3stroyiR(666), 20 May 2008 - 05:25 AM.

[Airflow]

LOL that's funny. What do you mean, Destroyer, that's new?

[vD3stroyiR(666)]

LOL that's funny. What do you mean, Destroyer, that's new?

Sorry, I only use this user name for this site, still feels kinda new to me. So I spelled it one way and having it spoken/typed in another feels sorta weird to me!

You understand right?

[vD3stroyiR(666)]

The Cynic's Guide To Life


-The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' group.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.

Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.

Becoming A Great Writer


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great writer."

When asked to define "great," this is what he said: "I want to write material that the whole world will read, material that people will react to on a truly emotional level, material that will make them scream, cry, wail, and howl in pain, desperation and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages...

Edited by vD3stroyiR(666), 30 July 2008 - 07:39 AM.

[Lord Devrexster]

Great writer joke is brilliant. Actually the trick is to write messages no one wud understand on his own.


Here's more :

After the third world war...

After the nuclear holocaust everyone dies. Only one man survives coz he was on top of mt.everest. When he comes down he finds no one. Then looking around realizes what has happened, and prays to God, "Give me atleast another person to avoid lonelyness". God is pleased !!
The man suddenly notices a naked woman at a distance standing infront of a cave. He approaches her "Heh!! Do you have something to eat, I am hungry"
The woman understands him and goes into the cave. Brings out an apple for him to eat.
The man immediately takes the apple and throws it away and shouts "Want to start it all over again ?"

And here's another one, its a bit obscene so maderators may edit if they wish to. But still for the sake of jokes I am giving it here...

Question. How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

Answer. If she has to chew before she swallows.

[vD3stroyiR(666)]

*GASP* *LAUGH* *GASP* *CHUCKLE* *SIGH* *SNIFF* *LAUGH* *GASP* *CHUCKLE* Trying to catch my breath from laughing so hard... There.

Dude, that's nasty/nice!
I wonder if it will stick in her like bubblegum too, she'll be constipated for weeks if one really does have a high sperm count!

All in the name of success.

Edited by vD3stroyiR(666), 30 July 2008 - 10:11 AM.

[phoenix_abhi]

A website conducted a poll " Which is the best Virus detector available in market ? "
Options
1. Avast
2. AVG
3. Symantec
4. Kaspersky
5. NOD 32
6. Trend Micro
7. Bit defender
8. Others ( Name the company)

Votes counted and others (option 8) got maximum vote. Can anyone guess which is the Company most viewers voted for?


Microsoft Windows the best virus detector

Only fun intended

Edited by phoenix_abhi, 31 July 2008 - 02:56 PM.

[vD3stroyiR(666)]

HUH?

Please forgive me Phoenix, I didn't quite get it.

Edited by vD3stroyiR(666), 30 July 2008 - 08:13 PM.

[phoenix_abhi]

All the options are for AV which detect the virus (and destroy)
But anyway MS Windows are the fist to detect (affect by) them
Hope u got it
PS -I have seen a signature of an Ubuntu user on this topic.

[phoenix_abhi]

copied from James Selvakumar's Blog

A Strange mail to Customer Support Team

Sub: Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support Team,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.



I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Basket Ball 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5 , and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0 , Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program SevereBeating 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend New Dress 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

SECURITY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With ShortSkirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Which one do you have Girlfriend 5.0 or Wife 1.0 ? Whatever you may have, wish you all the best.

[henrydtv]

these are REALLY funny

[Lord Devrexster]

copied from James Selvakumar's Blog

A Strange mail to Customer Support Team

Sub: Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

Nice !! Here's one more

:: Man is like an automobile ::

As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low.
The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.
The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.
Gentlemen...start your engines!!

[phoenix_abhi]

:: Man is like an automobile ::

As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low.
The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.
The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.
Gentlemen...start your engines!!

[phoenix_abhi]

+18 only from FFO

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied,
"Because when you pray, you hold your hands
together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying,
"OH GOD, I'M COMING!". If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

THE NUN FAINTED!

[phoenix_abhi]

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.M
marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!

From F F O

[vD3stroyiR(666)]

So tragic, so true!