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Just a Joke!


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#1 Lord Devrexster

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Posted 28 March 2008 - 12:40 PM

Well! didnt find any good jokes here like i do in some other forums so here we go :-


A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said:

"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"...


;) :P B)

#2 myhoter

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Posted 28 March 2008 - 01:57 PM

hahahaha

#3 vD3stroyiR(666)

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Posted 29 March 2008 - 08:27 AM

I've got one that's been collecting electronic dust somewhere in my files!!! :woot:

Rabbit and Bear

So, a rabbit and a bear were mortal enemies, naturally, as the bear is a predator and the rabbit is prey. However, one day they both came across a lamp, and a genie popped out

"I will grant you both 3 wishes"

Bear says, "ME FIRST RAAWAAWRRR" Rabbit agrees, but only if they take turns. Bear thinks for a while, and eventually agrees. After some thought, he comes up with a wish "I wish all the female bears in the world were really sexy"

Poof, sexy bears.

Rabbit, without hesitation, "I want 5 bucks"

Poof, five bucks.

Bear thinks for a while (He was not the brightest creature in the woods), and eventually says, "I wish all the female bears in the world were madly in love with me"

Poof, bear love.

Rabbit, again almost instantly, "I want 10 bucks"

Poof, 10 bucks.

Bear, knowing this is his final wish, thinks long and hard, and eventually says, "I wish all the bears in the world were female bears"

Poof, sex change

Rabbit, "I wish bear was gay"

and now bear is being chased down by sex-crazed / love-crazed bears.


Edited by ahol8191, 29 March 2008 - 11:18 AM.


#4 Lord Devrexster

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Posted 29 March 2008 - 09:37 AM

I've got that's been collecting electronic dist somewhere in my files!!! :woot:


HaHa :lol:

Fantastic
Keep 'em coming !

Here,s another one check it out !

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus?

I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.



#5 vD3stroyiR(666)

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Posted 29 March 2008 - 10:09 AM

EDIT: I changed this joke because it was too long!
If anyone still wants to read it:
World of Burgercraft

I changed it to these:


Why did you shoot your wife?

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"


Just in case

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.''

''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''

''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla — shoot the dog.''


Edited by ahol8191, 29 March 2008 - 10:29 AM.


#6 Lord Devrexster

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Posted 29 March 2008 - 10:39 AM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


Amo fe of me chair !

Ou of brea now



[edit: I was trying to say

" Almost fell off my chair !
Out of breath now :D ]

Edited by Lord Devrexster, 29 March 2008 - 10:40 AM.


#7 vD3stroyiR(666)

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Posted 29 March 2008 - 11:25 AM

baffling yet VERY funny! :devil:

You Need To Have A Bad Day To Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


Find a ton more here:
Sick Humor

Edited by ahol8191, 29 March 2008 - 11:27 AM.


#8 Lord Devrexster

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Posted 29 March 2008 - 04:17 PM

Just to add another one now :P

Elephant to naked man : " How do u breath through that thing ? "



#9 vD3stroyiR(666)

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Posted 09 April 2008 - 01:22 PM

Signed on in silent to bring you this joke before I go to bed! :ph34r:

Here:

Cough Treatment

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"


Edited by ahol8191, 09 April 2008 - 01:23 PM.


#10 electricshock81

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Posted 22 April 2008 - 08:19 PM

Here's one:

Two dumb fellows grow tired of mobile phones:
One says to the other that let's use doves for messaging like in the the good Ol days!
They both agree and buy two doves.
One day, one of the doves arrive at that fellows house, He takes out the note on it's neck and sees that there is nothing written on it!
He thinks and thinks and finally after giving up he calls the other man and says "what the hell did you send me?"
The other one says: " you fool, it was a missed call!"

#11 Lord Devrexster

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Posted 22 April 2008 - 09:42 PM

Two dumb fellows grow tired of mobile phones:
One says to the other that let's use doves for messaging like in the the good Ol days!
They both agree and buy two doves.
One day, one of the doves arrive at that fellows house, He takes out the note on it's neck and sees that there is nothing written on it!
He thinks and thinks and finally after giving up he calls the other man and says "what the hell did you send me?"
The other one says: " you fool, it was a missed call!"


HAHA ! Nice one ... here's one more ...

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

“Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”



#12 vD3stroyiR(666)

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Posted 23 April 2008 - 05:15 AM

@Lord Devrexster

Very funny!!!

@electricshock81

It just seems pointless! :lol:

--------------------

Here's one a friend said to me, quoting our conversation:

Friend: OK. Use the word Harassment in a Sentence! :devil:

Me: uhhhm... I got one! "Poking and asking something abruptly as a clear act of harassment!" :yes:

Friend: QUE!! Never mind... Finished? :blink:

Me: YEAH!!! :rolleyes:

Friend: Here's mine, "Her a** meant nothing to me!!!" :P

Both: :D :lol:


A cheater accuses a wife of cheating

She's A Liar

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."


Edited by vD3stroyiR(666), 23 April 2008 - 05:18 AM.


#13 electricshock81

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Posted 23 April 2008 - 10:00 AM

jokes are pointless! that's what makes them funny!

#14 vD3stroyiR(666)

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Posted 24 April 2008 - 07:05 AM

jokes are pointless! that's what makes them funny!


Yeah! I meant, Those two guys really must be dumb if they're gonna be missing call THAT way!!! :lol:

#15 electricshock81

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Posted 24 April 2008 - 05:13 PM

YUP^^^

#16 Airflow

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Posted 29 April 2008 - 09:20 PM

Signed on in silent to bring you this joke before I go to bed! :ph34r:

Here:

Cough Treatment

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"


That's from Reader's Digest. I read it while drinking my coffee, can't say how drippy my Reader's Digest is now of coffee.

#17 vD3stroyiR(666)

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Posted 30 April 2008 - 07:41 AM

@TaeX

Readers Digest? What that? :huh:
Well it must be, but I found it on the web somewhere, don't really remember well... but the site was joke related...


New one (Not really a joke, more like a funny questionnaire):

Have You Ever Wondered?


Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Edited by vD3stroyiR(666), 30 April 2008 - 07:42 AM.


#18 ShamusHand

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Posted 01 May 2008 - 02:10 AM

Have You Ever Wondered?


LOL! "If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?" :lol:

#19 electricshock81

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Posted 16 May 2008 - 04:32 PM

You like astrology? Prepare to kill yourself! I covered up most of the Vulgar, It's only for fun so please mods, spare this post!

AQUARIUS----You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a ******* jerk.

PISCES----You are a pioneer type and think most people are ****heads. You are quick to reprimand, important and full of advice. You nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

ARIES----You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have major influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

TAURUS----You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

GEMINI----You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you flirt you’re *** off all your life. This means you are a cheap bastard.

CANCER----You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a ****. Everyone in prison is a cancer.

LEO----You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother******.

VIRGO----You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your ****-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while *******. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA----You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most libra women are whores. All libras die of VD.

SCORPIO----You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son of a *****. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS----You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of ****.

CAPRICORN----You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken****. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.



I'm a communist!!!! What are you?

#20 electricshock81

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Posted 16 May 2008 - 05:25 PM

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running
his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you
doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in
good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

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